Just like that, it’s been two months since I’ve blogged, but I haven’t given up on this series. I would like to say that I’ve spent these months surrounding myself with rediscovery, trying new things, and overall becoming a better version of myself in spite of all that’s happened. But that’s not true, and I can’t sit here pretending that it is. I hope to get there soon, but it just hasn’t happened yet. These last months have been emotional, destructive, and stressful. They have easily been some of the most challenging of my life, but I’ve pushed through knowing that what comes next could be spectacular. In terms of the life I had so carefully built for myself over the last two years or so, it quite literally fell apart. And it hasn’t been a time to rebuild yet, but instead, a time to sit among and accept the rubble for what it is.
I’ve needed time to process, as much as I wish I could fast-forward working through this. But that isn’t an option. So, I’m processing, like old photography. I’m sitting in that darkroom putting the pieces together well enough so that I can become something beautiful. That’s the hope, and I’m confident I will get there in due time. When a trauma or crisis occurs, it displaces how you see yourself as a person. It renders your soul homeless for a while, leaving you to sort through it on your own. But I’ve learned that these seasons of life, while unbearable in the moment, can amount to something worth waiting for, so I continue to have faith that that is what God has in store this time, too.
Now that we’ve established that this process has by no means been smooth, let’s cover the fact that I’ve slipped up. I’ve made decisions that went against my instinct on what would be good for me in the healing process, and I’ve paid for that. I clung to anything that would temporarily draw me away from the demolition zone. What I needed to do was accept and assess what was going on in my life, in my head, in my emotions. But instead, I made decisions that I wouldn’t make again, and I’ve made it a point to keep my private business off the Internet. So, all you need to know is that it was a detrimental choice, but I resolved it the best I could. Luckily, this choice, unlike others, didn’t have any permanent consequences. And I can heal from that, too. And I will be okay. It will all be okay.
One thing that this particular choice taught me, though, was that through all of this, I had never forgiven myself. I made it a clear-cut point to forgive my ex that first week after we split up. What he did wasn’t right, but forgiveness was the right choice on my part. So, I made the decision to forgive, and it has truly made this process much easier than it would have been otherwise. But, I wasn’t faultless in that relationship. I’m not faultless in anything, and I never forgave myself for those shortcomings. That’s what I’m working on now: forgiving myself. Telling myself that I made mistakes, but forgiveness is offered through the healing power of Jesus Christ. I needed to offer that to myself, so I’m turning to my Savior to help me through that. If our almighty, perfect God and Father can forgive me for sinning against Him, as a sinner I must be able to forgive myself and thus accept the forgiveness He is merciful enough to give me. Self-forgiveness is tough, but we can’t deny ourselves that opportunity. Jesus guides us to it, and it’s necessary to move forward in God’s beautiful plan for us. That’s the complicatedly simple truth.
Now, another thing I’ve struggled with immensely has been loneliness throughout these months. When you’re used to having one person you can always turn to, and then that person isn’t there anymore, you feel as though you can only turn to yourself. That isn’t true. I’ve learned that I have an abounding support system that goes far beyond one person. My parents and sister, my friends, my church family, my work team: everyone has been there for me and let me vent and let me grieve. They haven’t pushed me too far; they’ve let me go at my own pace. And for that, I’m forever grateful. You all know who you are. Thank you for teaching me that there’s no reason for me to ever feel lonely. Thank you.
That said, I’ve recently moved out of my parents’ house and in with my best friend to try to create a fresh start for myself. This has helped with that sense of loneliness; he’s single, too, and we enjoy getting to spend time together. We have lots of movie nights and get take out. It’s a lot of fun, and it will be even more fun when my other best friend moves in (shout out to Erin!), and when we get an Xbox, so I can return to playing Call of Duty. My ex may have introduced me to the game, but that doesn’t mean I can’t still take down zombies like nobody’s business. But overall, getting a small taste of being on my own has made me appreciate myself more. It’s made me see that I’m so much more than a half of a relationship, and my self-love these last few months has been higher than it’s been in years. Relying on who you are in Christ, who never fails, instead of who you are in another person, who is inclined to fail, is a much steadier way to live.
Church has been instrumental in this healing process so far. I’ve had several breakdowns on Sunday mornings throughout these months, but I’ve never felt ashamed of that. I’m surrounded by such immense support and understanding when I’m at church, that I always leave feeling uplifted no matter how rough of a time I have during service. Time is never wasted inside of those walls, and I pray that everyone finds a church that is as much of a home to them as mine is to me. It’s a very special gift to have in life. Furthermore, I’ve prayed for my ex a lot: I pray that he finds joy in life through a reconnection with Christ; I pray that he is able to get back on track to accomplishing his goals; I pray that he can find the stability he’s been searching for his whole life. Despite everything that’s happened, I still care deeply for him. I don’t think that will ever change. I don’t agree with what he did, and I hope he has learned from this situation not to repeat those choices, but I care for his future and his well-being. As for me, though, I am leaning very heavily on Christ every day to lead me where I need to go, and where I should be. I’ve taken His hand to move forward, and I don’t plan on letting go.
To add to the grief of the last months, my cat, Twilight passed away in late November. She was such a good, loyal girl. We were blessed with fourteen years of her in our family, and I will always remember her as my outdoor adventurer soul sister. A piece of our family is missing, but we know she is reunited with our dog Molly, who passed in 2013. Let’s just say they were the very best of friends, and I can only imagine how happy they were to see one another again. Rest in peace, sweet girl.
All in all, I’m seeking to re-shift and refocus as a result of these months. I think I’m ready to start building my life back up. I’m looking at the expanse of my life, and I’m seeing a brand new horizon for my future, and that’s rather exciting. There is nothing bogging me down in light of all that’s happened, as I’m able to put those mistakes that I’ve made behind me and leave them there. I’ve found a wonderful graduate program I will definitely be applying to, I’m living on my own for the first time, and I’ve picked up writing my novel, Caspertown, again. Things are really looking up, and just in time for the holidays, too! I’m also looking forward to kicking this blog into high gear and really focusing on it. Some good news: I have a 100% winter break this year. What that means: I don’t have to take any winter classes, so it’s just working for me, along with focusing on reading what I would like to and creative writing again.
Lastly, I’d like to share my recent anthem with you all, and I encourage you to give it a listen. I swear, it’s impossible to listen to this song and not feel encouraged afterward: “The Comeback” by Danny Gokey. The leading line of this song: “Here comes a comeback.” Here comes my comeback, indeed.
Crazy cat lady. Exploratory writer. Much love.