*Disclaimer: I wrote this post in mid-December, but I’m just now getting the chance to make necessary revisions. I still want to post it as part of this journey, though, and the fifth and final part of this series will be up next week. Thank you so much for your patience and support!*
Things still fluctuate greatly depending on the day. Still, even though months have passed, some days I feel an inner peace while others I’m angry and hurt. But slowly, I’m seeing improvement; there are fewer of the bitter days and more of the peaceful ones. Thank God for that. He is healing my heart, and I know in order to attain complete healing, I need to draw nearer to Him. I need to make a conscious decision to connect with my Heavenly Father more often, and weave prayer through my day each day. In order to find the stability I seek, He is the only source. There is no fluctuation in His love for me; in that, there is peace. I just need to surrender this piece of my life to Him entirely, and that peace will find me in this place, too. Through God, His mercy, and His provision, I don’t need anything more from my ex to find closure. I know that now, thanks to a very patient and caring friend whom I am incredibly lucky to have.
I’ve made peace with the fact that any future with my ex is no longer an option. It was a tough pill to swallow, but I’ve come to that conclusion and I know it’s the best one. Now, I plan to let go of him completely. I can’t be burdened with connections that aim to hurt me anymore. I won’t put myself through that. If God chooses to reintroduce us sometime in the future, I will trust Him in that, but for now letting go is my best choice.
There is no way I will ever know all of the answers about this situation; I won’t even know a few of them. But God knows, and He’s the only one who needs to. He knows what’s best for me, so I am okay not knowing it all. I likely wouldn’t want to, anyway, and I’ve found those questions haunt me less as days go by. They’ve become far less interesting in light of the future I have ahead of me.
This year, the New Year holiday has added meaning for me. It’s a physical representation of a new beginning to go along with the emotional one I long for. While this situation has dominated my life in many ways over the last few months, it doesn’t have that power anymore. He and I, while we once thought we would share a future, have ended up on very different paths. And that’s actually quite alright with me. He has made his choices, and I have made mine. While the outcome of his choices are no longer my concern, I do pray for him. If you could pray for him, too, I would be appreciative. What he needs now in his life is guidance from the Lord. My choices, however, while they haven’t been 100% great, have left me in a pretty good position. As I was reminded recently, I have many options in life, and I have the ability to choose which option I’d like to take. That’s a very exciting place to be, and I intend to make the very most of it. I can’t wait to see where life takes me next, and what God has planned.