For the month of May, I’m going to be unraveling the Get Honest Project. We’re going to get into the nitty-gritty: stories I haven’t told, topics most people shy away from, my own flaws, and what it really takes to change life for the better after tragedy. I don’t want to do a rehash of my social media, aka “the highlight reel”. This isn’t something that I’d plaster all over Instagram or give a play-by-play on Twitter, but I need to share it. Social media doesn’t even tell half the story. I want to be open, not closed off in an attempt to create a caricatured version of myself online while I live my actual life on the side. It all starts here with being honest about where I’ve been in life lately.
First thing’s first: I’ve been having an Ariel moment. What else can I say? I’m ready to explore, both literally and figuratively. Physically and mentally. Emotionally and spiritually. I want to push myself and discover who I’ve shaped up to be after these last few years. I need to place myself somewhere new, closer to a city at least for the time being for a change of pace with so much to offer. The process begins. I think that different seasons of life sometimes require different settings, and here’s where I change my backdrop. But moving takes a lot. I have a history with it, and it hasn’t been smooth. I’m going to get honest.
The fueling power for this mission? Well, that’d be jumpstarting my career in the professional writing/editing industry. A tall order, for sure. There isn’t much in the industry around my current location, so the city is ideal. However, I’ve been slow to hear responses from jobs over the last eight months or so of applying, with nothing quite being the right fit. This has honestly caused me to question myself and my abilities at their core. Doubting yourself is one of the most powerful feelings. It takes you over, and honestly, I’ve never felt it to such a degree before. I would instantly stop applying for awhile in the face of rejection because my confidence would dip so low. I’d convince myself that it wasn’t timing, it was me, but it’s the other way around. Opportunity and timing are a package deal.
That’s been my takeaway, but man, patience is hard. I had to understand that my resume isn’t everything and I have a lot of building to do on it in the coming years, but I still do have a lot to offer. But let’s be real, logic and reason doesn’t come into play when self doubt takes over the driver’s seat. So I wallowed. And yeah, I cried over it a little. But I’m persisting, seeking out that “right”. But where does this immediate lack of confidence come from? Why do I second guess myself so quickly? Where is this career journey going next? I’m going to get honest.
In addition, I’m still continuing on with my education. I’m almost halfway done with an MA online program through Bowling Green State University. Bottom line: grad school is hard. It’s time consuming and stressful and intimidating. It takes a lot of effort and time. I’ve only taken two classes per semester so far, but come fall I’ll be taking three. You earn everything you get, especially at this level, but there’s a reason why it’s a little bit harder for me than it might have been. Some past events just didn’t have happy endings, and I feel those ripple effects today. I’m going to get honest.
In order to do all of this, rest is imperative. Sleep has always been difficult for me; I can sleep long, but I almost never sleep well, and lately my sleep schedule has been all out of whack. Part of the issue has definitely been not exercising enough, and another side effect of that has been gaining weight and body image issues. Ah, those never get old, do they? Being fit never used to be an issue. Then it got more difficult… then it became nearly impossible for awhile, and it’s time to get back on track now. I’m not at the weight I want to be. I don’t look how I want to look. I don’t feel like I want to feel. I’m not resting like I want to be resting. I’m addressing this now. I’m going to get honest.
Most importantly though, since Fall 2017, I haven’t done creative writing consistently. I’ve barely written in the scheme of things. There, I said it. My creativity hasn’t been what it used to be, but over these last couple of months, it’s revived. The ideas are flowing more naturally, and I’ve been putting more pen to paper. Sweet relief. To be creative and not have the urge to create is torture. I’ve felt so constrained in my own mind since that time. What happened, you ask? I’m going to get honest. It’s about time I found my full voice again. And I want to guide you to finding yours.
Do you ever deeply desire a change of pace and scenery? Do you ever doubt yourself deeply when you shouldn’t? Do you ever struggle with unhappy endings you can’t change? Do you ever feel the effects of struggling with a healthy lifestyle? Do you ever feel spread too thin all the while feeling like you do too much? If so, this series is for you. We’re going to get honest.
Ready? Here we go…
Much Love, Quinn
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Crazy cat lady. Exploratory writer. Much love.