The past few years have proven to be quite transformative. I wish I could say I have a documentation through my writing, but as I say in today’s YouTube video, I got silent. It was my choice, and how I wish I could go back and make a different one. But my only option now is to get honest about that silence, bring it to light, and push forward with words. In the spirit of all that, let’s break down these years and what they’ve meant for me.
This was the year when everything fell apart. My engagement ended. It was sheer disaster, and I felt like my future was literally ripped away. All of my plans were thrown into the fire, and I felt as though there was no direction in my life. Little by little, everything I’d built just crumbled. I lost someone I never thought I would, and I was left in ruins. I questioned if I would get through this dark season. Life seemed like a big void instead of something to look forward to and embrace.
I wish I would have realized that although it’s important to recognize feeling such as those were valid, that doesn’t make the thoughts behind them true. You never lose direction in life because God always guides your steps, and I wish I had kept that in the forefront of my mind. It’s okay to be scared, and upset, and crushed, but to be able to see any bigger picture. The future I envisioned wasn’t to be, but my future was still there. In those initial days and weeks, I wish I’d thought about the fact that life after the demolition is still real.
This year was all about sifting, observing, and taking stock. Who was I after what happened? What was left? Who was left? What did I need to rebuild? What was better left behind? It was a year of questions and “figuring out”; it was frustrating but necessary. I tried some new things, and outgrew others. I travelled, graduated college, and took some risks. I identified the pieces worth keeping and started to fit them together in a new way. Same pieces, new glue.
This was a year of unknowns. I was rediscovering who I was and finding where I fit in the world. I just wish I hadn’t focused so heavily on potential romantic relationships. I dates someone very briefly at the beginning of the year, but it didn’t work. I didn’t realize it then, but I was nowhere near ready. Beyond that, I was looking to who might be my next boyfriend. I shouldn’t have. 2018 should have just been about me and who I was becoming, my interests, and pursuing my goals. The idea of love distracted me from the beautiful process I was undergoing. I wish I would have seen it more for what it was.
“Same pieces, new glue.”
This year has been all about rebuilding myself back up again and taking what I learned from last year and making it reality. It’s about growing and coming back to something that gives me so much life. I’m rebuilding myself in words, and releasing the past’s power over me. With each word and stroke of a pen, I’m finding out more about myself. I’m in a healthy relationship that encourages me to thrive, and I’m ready to take more steps forward. It starts with being honest.
I started a Word Oasis YouTube channel this week. On the channel so far is my introductory video to the channel in addition to a very pivotal video: “How My Engagement Ended”. The video is linked in the first part of this post. I hope you’ll check it out and hear my story. This season was a big component in silencing myself, and I need to honor that time and recognize it before I can articulate a new version of my voice. I’m opening up about real life; it’s scary but something I need to do. Thank you for listening. I’ll be back this week for more of The Get Honest Project.
Much Love, Quinn
Crazy cat lady. Exploratory writer. Much love.