The world is constantly lit up. The fluorescence of the city. The blur of streetlights on the highway. The singular window aglow at three in the morning. And then there’s the internal spotlight. We all have one. It’s the light we look at ourselves under when we worry about what other people might see or think. When we post on social media, for example. The spotlight pushes us to act how we want others to view us, and when our thoughts are racing at all times of day and night concerned with their perceptions, does that light ever turn off?
Last year, I did a little something called the Get Honest Project. Its purpose was about full disclosure and telling more of my story with details I never thought I’d share publicly. I was tired of my life coming off as one-dimensional and polished, so I opened up some more. Getting honest last year was a big part of continuing on in both the healing process and growing process from past chapters of life. However, life and who I am are more than things that have happened to me. As is the case for you.
What does lights out mean? If last year was about getting honest with other people, this year is about getting honest with myself. Originally, the inspiration for the title of this project was one of those nights when i just couldn’t fall asleep. My eyes had adjusted to the darkness surrounding me but the sleep still wouldn’t come and my mind was reeling. I thought about my creative projects, the day ahead of me, and my long-term goals in life. All good thoughts, and although I desperately wanted to get some rest, I felt so connected to my own mind, spirit, and creativity. In the dark and the quiet, that’s when I could be completely honest with myself. The internal spotlight was switched off. I didn’t have to be anything. No more masks. No more fronts. Reputation out the window. Oddly enough, I loved that feeling.
I’m entering a season of wanting to think for myself, and through this rediscover myself. This project begins that season and also begins a dialogue on this website about what it means to really grow as a person behind the scenes. I want to tune in to who I am underneath it all, why I do what I do, and why I am who I am. I’m rooting all of this growth in the soil of creativity, where I find my voice in wordsmithing and constructing my individual perspective. Last year was storytelling outward. This year is looking inward and recording what I find.
Much Love, Quinn
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Crazy cat lady. Exploratory writer. Much love.